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May 12 Well it has been a week since my horrible experience w/ my old boss and still I don't have my things. It s so petty that he won't mail or let me pick up my things. You would think they would act like adults, but obviously not. I am so tempted to go by the state police barracks (across the street from my old job) and have them go get my stuff. I really don't want to have to do that as I feel like it is just wasting their time. After all most of my belongings that are missing are knick knacks. The only thing that I truly want back is my licensing book as I frequently utilize that if I need to look something up. Hopefully I won't have to resort to that measure. My new job is going well. I am still really nervous (you know, the whole guy thing) but I guess I will have to eventually get over it. It is just him and me so if I want something I guess I will be forced to open my mouth and ask him. He seems nice enough. I am excited about my office. I have NEVER had my own office space. I have always been the one in the reception area taking the money. When I used to sell policies people would actually have to stand at the front desk to sign the paperwork. Now I actually have a BIG office area w/ 2 chairs in front of my desk. Instead of my old desk w/ pictures taped to the wall, I actually went shopping over the weekend for some framed artwork. It was a wondeful feeling-somehow it makes me feel wanted. I have dual computer moniters (like the big-shots) and even my own copy/fax machine. It feels so good to move up in the world and be appreciated. My boss even had me stand in, in a couple of his meetings just to give my opinion on the issue. It makes me feel like so much more than a secretary. Actually he even made the comment that one day we will actually have a secretary sitting at the front desk. That made me happy because I know that my office is ALL mine. Perhaps the incident at my old job was a blessing in disguise. Looking back I have been unhappy there for a long time I just never had the voice to speak up. Even if I did, I don't think anything would have ever changed. Now I am the one in charge of my destiny. Even my commission % is up for debate-I just have to be able to discuss it. Therapy is doing well. I see my social worker once a week & I usually attend bipolar support groups a few times a week. My moods are getting better and I hope w/ time I will be able to control them completely. My meds have gotten increased again so it comes at a good time. Right now I am working part-time until I decide to work full-time. My boss has pretty much left my schedule to me & the honor system. I feel confident that next week I will be ok to start going full-time. Sorry for my rambling-my mind has a tendancy to wander a million miles a minute. Even my husband has problems keeping up with me sometimes. I hope all is well w/ you guys. Sorry I haven't been around to comment lately-everything has just been so crazy. Talk to you soon...... May 10 So I realized while talking to Lara that the main reason I am stressing so much over the weight loss is because I have had a lot of change in my life and I am so very busy lately. It's not even about saying no either. It's about me not planning my life out better! I just want so much out of life and I try to pack it into 20 hours while only sleeping a few. I love my life and I wouldn't change much, I just need to remember that along with learning glass fusing, and cake decorating and working out and spending time with my friends, I also need to spend time with me. I need down time, it's just as important as workout time. I actually skipped T.O.P.S. so I could get to bed a few hours early. At first I felt guilty but the benifits I got from that extra sleep were amazing! Seeing as it is almost 11 P.M. and I have to be at work by 6:30 in the morning, I am going to head to bed. Thanks everyone for the pep talks! Thanks for hearing me out Lara! May 08 Ok so here it is, all layed out, and mind you this is just to make myslf feel better, I just want to say that this IS a diet, not a lifestyle chage, and it sucks. I constanly have to think and plan and thats not a lifestyle. I think, what am I going to eat, when, where to exercise, how long, what type. And then something comes up and I am not suited to handle a swap in my schedule, freak out becaue I have to eat at a resturant and I don't know what to eat, oh wait, get a salad, no thats the worse thing on the menu to get. I have stopped eating at fast food because we know all their "healthy food" isn't. Even though I worked out double on monday and have done things to be active on tuesday and wednesday I gain weight anyway and why? Because I ate out. No other reason, so then I start my freaking out again and I don't know why I'm not thin, I worry things to death. I am nervous constanly and food scares me to death. I am at the point where if I could live off water I would. So far the water I drink hasn't given me any anxiety! I hate this. I am never going to feel like it's ok, like food isn't my enemy. I haven't found that happy place where food and I skip off into the sunset holding hands. I just need a fresh start. Start this over with a new outlook and knowledge and plans, need to have better eating facts handy and I need to stop feeling like if I look at food I'm going to lose this war. I had hoped this winter I would start feeling like i had accomplished something. Right now I don't have the accomplished feeling yet. People say ishould but that doesn't help! I know the point that I will feel proud. It's in the horizon and I can see it, just today and the last couple weeks I have felt like it's further off than I had thought. |
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