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May 08 Lisa's Blog - Maybe it's just meOk so here it is, all layed out, and mind you this is just to make myslf feel better, I just want to say that this IS a diet, not a lifestyle chage, and it sucks. I constanly have to think and plan and thats not a lifestyle. I think, what am I going to eat, when, where to exercise, how long, what type. And then something comes up and I am not suited to handle a swap in my schedule, freak out becaue I have to eat at a resturant and I don't know what to eat, oh wait, get a salad, no thats the worse thing on the menu to get. I have stopped eating at fast food because we know all their "healthy food" isn't. Even though I worked out double on monday and have done things to be active on tuesday and wednesday I gain weight anyway and why? Because I ate out. No other reason, so then I start my freaking out again and I don't know why I'm not thin, I worry things to death. I am nervous constanly and food scares me to death. I am at the point where if I could live off water I would. So far the water I drink hasn't given me any anxiety! I hate this. I am never going to feel like it's ok, like food isn't my enemy. I haven't found that happy place where food and I skip off into the sunset holding hands. I just need a fresh start. Start this over with a new outlook and knowledge and plans, need to have better eating facts handy and I need to stop feeling like if I look at food I'm going to lose this war. I had hoped this winter I would start feeling like i had accomplished something. Right now I don't have the accomplished feeling yet. People say ishould but that doesn't help! I know the point that I will feel proud. It's in the horizon and I can see it, just today and the last couple weeks I have felt like it's further off than I had thought. May 05 Lara's Blog: I have NEVER been treated so badly in my life...Today has been the most horrible day in a long time. I am starting my new job on Wed and I went by my old office (with a friend) to pick up my stuff. That was a mistake. I walked in and gave my old boss the key and then started walking to my office. He blocked the door and said I couldn't come inside. He looked and me and said rather meanly, "Your stuff is up front, you can't come in here." I said that I wanted to make sure that he packed everything as I had stuff all over the place. I specifically mentioned my insurance license. That was one thing that of course he forgot. He gave it to me and my friend and I went outside to look through the box ( a wet box too-all my pics were soggy) and make sure stuff was there. I had made a list of the stuff that I remembered was in my office ahead of time so I was checking it off as I went through the box. Half the stuff was missing. I checkmarked the stuff that was missing and my friend took it and went inside to collect it. My former boss yelled at her and said she had no business being there and told her he would MAIL my stuff back to me. She came out and said that he was screaming at her. That's it. I took the list and walked into him and said that I need my stuff and he was legally supposed to give it to me. He looked at me and said that I would get my stuff when he felt like mailing it and told me I was tresspassing and to leave before he called the cops. After 2 1/2 years of working my ass of for this man, he treats me like that. I didn't deserve to be fired. I have NEVER done anything to hurt him or his business. If anything I have put up with so much shit it's ridiculous. I almost went to the cops myself, and asked them to escort me back to the office so that I can get my stuff. But of course I wussed out. But I swear to God, if I don't get my stuff back next week, I will go the cops myself. I expected that it was going to be hard to go back into that office, but I never expected to be treated like such shit. The only thing I can say about this is I hope Karma is a bitch in this case..... May 03 Lara's Blog: It has been a really tough week:I have only been back to work now for 2 weeks as a part-time employee. Supposedly everyone at work tried to help me while I was gone but it didn't seem like much actually got accomplished. I came back to a desk filled with work that I had been working on at the beginning of last month. I tried to organize everything in piles and put things on a to do list but it just wasn't helping. Every-time I turned around there was more and more work to do. Maybe I should have tried to ask for help, but I am sure it would have made much of a difference. I had piles and piles of fiing, commercial policies stacked mile high, and cancellation notices to tend to. Then there was the phone and millions of insurance certificates. I spent 20 minutes on one customers certificate last Thursday because it was so complex and required all these additional forms to be filled out. It usually only takes a minute or so for a general certificate. At that rate, it would have taken me a month to get caught up assuming that I don't get any more work. My husband came in on Thursday and asked how I was doing. I wasn't doing good. I was ready to cry as I was so overwhelmed and having a hard time getting anything done. I told him how I felt, I was feeling like I could never dig myself out of the hole that I called my desk. But I of course didn't say anything to my co-workers. I wasn't about to complain to THEM. I don't think that they would have understood as they always had a "if it can wait till tomorrow, it will attitude". Now I am guessing that someone heard my conversation w/ my husband and went to my boss. Later that night, I got a call from my boss telling me I was fired. He said that they felt that they had gone above and beyond by dealing with my work while I was at the hospital (that is such bull-if that was the case I never would have gotten emails and calls once I got back from customers telling me never to leave as no-one knew how to do my work.) and since I have been back I have already gotten upset at my work-load. What did they expect-that it would be an easy tranisition? I was trying to get MY work done, and they kept piling more and more of THEIR work on my desk. I couldn't say anything. After 2 1/2 years of working my ass off for that place, they fire me over the phone and tell me to MAIL back my office key. The most f*ck*ed up thing about this is that I wanted to leave 6 months ago for another job and they gave me a raise to stay. I have never gotten a bad performance review or even a warning about anything. I think that I would have deserved at least that much. This all just came out of the blue AFTER my "medical "leave of absense. Obviously I wasnt worth anything to them. If only they knew how many of their customers called me the day that I came back and truly appreciated what I do for them. But I am sure it wouldn't matter to them. I was always the person that would do their work on top of mine and never say anything. Looking back I felt unappreciated. They don't understand how hard it was for me to come back after being at the hospital for a month. I tried my hardest to adjust and I got screwed. I wasn't even supposed to get discharged yet-I came back for them. I put up with everyone's moods, yelling at each-other, and much much more. And they couldn't give me any slack. It's incredibly upsetting to know that I spent so long working as hard as I did only to get treated like I am worthless. He didn't even have the courtesy to tell me in person. And the sad part is even after I got fired, I was still thinking about all the work that was on my desk and how it wouldn't get done for my customers. I care too much-that's my problem. I shouldn't give a shiit-but I did. I don't understand this though. Last Friday my vice-president called me and was talking to me about me advancing in the agency and becoming office manager some day. She was apologizing for everyone yelling at each other for the past week saying that it wasn't the greatest environment to come back too. She said that some time the following week we could get together with the boss and discuss my concerns and how we can fix them. I started writing down exactly what I was going to say. And I never got a chance. Now less than a week later I get fired. I guess it doesn't matter because I already found another job working for another ERIE agent. Maybe it's a blessing in disguise. He knows about my hospital stay and was quite supportive. For once I am going to be more than the company "go-to" girl. I will not let this get me down. I just started getting in an exercise routine this past week. This is only the beginning for me now. The tough part is that I have to go in my old office next week and get my stuff, and I am scared shitless. I don't want to see them or even remember them. I don't think I ever been hurt this bad by an employer in my life and I have had some bad jobs in the past. So as you can see it's been a really tough week for me. Thanks to Lisa, Shannon, Tom and everyone from my support group-you guys are the ones that are getting me through this. I truly appreciate it. April 27 Lisa's Blog - Why?Why do I do so well during the week, but I ruin my diet on the weekends? Not by eating bad things so much as eating at the wrong times, skipping meal and not working out. So now I am sitting here looking at a gain, and thinking why? But I know why. I lose my focus and I need something to boost me into trying harder on the weekends. Any ideas? Even hanging my dream outfit in my room to cheer me on isn't helping lately. I guess it's just a slump. April 25 Lara's Blog: I am slowly coming back...Just wanted to write and say hi to everyone. It has been almost a month since I have blogged at all & I wanted to catch everyone up. I was discharged from the day hospital this past Tuesday & I am back to work part-time for the time being. I really can't handle more than 4 hours a day as I am still pretty crazy in my moods & anxious. I was put on several medications to stabalize my moods & handle my depression. It is kind of too soon to tell if it is really working. They said that they will have to increase my meds every week to get them to the dose that they need to be. It's a long slow process. Monday was my first day back to work & I only worked 1-5pm but by the end of the day I was so anxious & depressed that I ended up going home and drinking 4 beers & 2 shots & taking all of my night-time meds on top of it. I didn't react in a healthy way, I know that. But at the time, it was all I could do. They finally decided to discharge me on Tuesday but they were really relluctant to do so. I was too. I didn't really have much of a choice. I couldn't afford to stay any longer. Plus, my insurance wanted to switch me to half days which would have cost me $80/day for 3 hours. I don't think I am that much better. It comes and goes. I had the stability I needed in the hospital & I was surrounded by people that really understood. Some mornings it is still so hard to get the motiavation to get out of bed. I haven't been to T.O.P.S in several weeks because the meds I am on have caused me to gain weight. I don't have it in me to weigh in & have to announce a gain. I know everyone would be supportive but I just can't face everyone. My food is not that different & it is so horrible to see me backtrack. I haven't even been to my gym this month. I am afraid to see everyone-afraid I failed & didn't match up to their expectations. I try to exercize on my own but sometimes I just don't have it in me. Nothing has been coming easy lately. I have to really force myself not to isolate at home. The only positive is that I started going to several support groups recently. I go to DBSA (depression/bipolar support alliance) & NAMI (national association of mental illness). Everyone has been so supportive. One woman even said that if I ever felt scared to be by myself i.e. suicidal that I can stay in her spare room . That is so amazing to hear from someone who just met you. I feel like I have a much bigger support network that I ever had before in my life. In addition I am seeing a therapist once a week & a psychiatrist. Hopefully once my meds get to where they should be, I will be back in the full swing of things. I really want to be myself again. I feel like the old Lara is trying so hard to climb out, I just hope she can make it.... April 24 Lisa's BlogHello all! I have been plugging away at the weightloss. I follow my trainers advice and work til I'm a pile of sweat, and I lost 3/4 of a pound. I am not excited, but I'm happy. During my meeting tonight I did my presentation. I was nervous and comfortable all at the same time. When I was done everyone clapped and laughed and said they loved it and I should do the presenting every week, so I was all red and embarrassed. It was cute. Now I am off to bed, ready to dream about being a skinny mini! Have a great week! April 18 Lisa's Blog - Proud!So I am hands down the best procrastinator! I am the best! I have figured out ways to get things done at the last nano-second, but get it done, and not be late! So that being said..........I asked for ideas for my T.O.P.S. presentation a week or so ago. I am EXTREMLY proud to tell you all that I pulled a little from everyones ideas and sat down at my computer and FINISHED the presentation over a week early! That amazes me. I would have been stressed and so nervous and probably wouldn't have felt like I did my best. I feel like this is a usefull info, entertaining, and have enough info to last my whole time. See I get nervous and talk too fast so I needed one of two things, a lot of info I could speed through but still take up the whole time, or enough info that I could be confident in my speech and take my time. I have both! So I wanted to say thank you to everyone who contributed and GO ME!
Oh and also I went to T.O.P.S. last night and I WON THE TROPHY AGAIN!!!!!!!! I am down 3.75 pounds. April 16 Lisa's Blog - So much betterSo I am better now. I did not go to work or gym monday. I stayed home. I did resume gym and work activities yesterday. Today was trainer day. So because I did weights yesterday, no weights today. We went outside and did walks, jogs, and other things to make the fat jiggle off of me! However on the last lap we came around the corner to find a man peeing in the road! So we finished up by hurring back to the gym! I lost the stubborn 4 pounds. I guess mybody knew I was serious about running! OOOOOOOOOO speaking of running......................I decided that next year I will be running in the 5k breast cancer run. I told my trainer my plan. He told me no. I'm like what? No? I don't think he can say no! He told me he is jogging this year with some ladies, and I would be joining him. Holy crap! I'm in the race THIS YEAR! I start training in July. Woo Hoo!
On to last nights show.............is it just me or did they not really touch on the million pound match-up? Hmmmm can't imagine why, Can you Carla?  April 14 Lisa's Blog- Lost motivation, today!So I can't breathe and my nose is runny and I have a horrible cough. All I want to do is crawl back into my still warm bed and put the covers over my head and fall back into a blissfull sleep! But no. I will be off to shower, gym and work, followed by another trip to the gym tonight. I can't be sick. I never get lay in bed and be sick time. I get go go go with some sick on the side. Usually this means I am sick for longer because I can't take the good medicine to get it out of me. I have to band-aid the pain and agony with a little tylonal. Well this is all the time I have, off to be busy/sick. Have a great day everyone! April 12 Lisa's Blog - tough to choose!!I typed in "fad diets" and you should see the results! The very first one was so cute! It had a list on cheaters tips! Not diet tips! So I am posting them to see if any of you find them useful!
CHEATERS TIPS:1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled out by the diet soda.
3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you don't eat more than they do.
4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
6.Movie related foods (Milk Duds, Buttered Popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls, etc.) do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel. 7.Cookie pieces contain no fat-- the process of breaking causes fat leakage. 8.Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are peanut butter on a knife making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon making a sundae. 9.Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and white chocolate. NOTE: Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color. 10.Foods that are frozen have no calories because calories are units of heat. Examples are ice cream, frozen pies, and Popsicles. 11. Foods eaten while watching a major event on television do not count. Major events include: Superbowl, Hockey Finals, Indy 500, Jerry Springer show. 12. Powerbars and other type energy bars make you thinner. In all my years of exercising (at least three times a year) I have only seen thin people eating energy bars. Ergo (therefore) they must make you thin. 13. Snickers is the same as an energy bar (see #12) 14. Tasting other people's food does not add to your calorie count. 15. Containers of food that list the number of servings as greater one are lying. Every container includes one serving. Half gallon of ice cream, box of cereal, bottle of soda, bag of chips are all one serving. So the site is called www.faddiets.com use it for your amusement! I plan to incorporate this list into my presentation. I know the ladies and Rich will love it! Also today I cooked and packaged my food and snacks for the week. It is so cool. I used small tote boxes and filled them with Breakfast, Lunch and two snacks. All I will have to do is grab the box and my new water bottle and off I go. It is just these 4 pounds that will not budge. A little wall. I lose a pound think I'm on my way to losing the 4, then BAM I gain the pound back! So I will force these 4 pounds to leave my body. They have two weeks to pack up and leave before I take drastic action! (Running, not anything crazy people! I LOATHE running! Plus I suck at running, but I'll do it to you body, I will!) Hope everyone has a great week!! Not that you won't hear from me! I just want you to have a good week! Lara's Blog: One Day At A Time....Wow! It appears that I have missed alot of what is going on with regards to this contest. If someone could fill me in on it I would appreciate it. I am completely clueless at this point as to what all the drama is about. All I know is that all the websites that were featured as winners were awesome and I am proud to know all of them. If something happened that wasn't supposed to happen I guess the people that were involved have to live with it. This contest has brought everyone closer together and formed a fabulous support network. I just wish that there wasn't so much hurt and bitterness over the final outcome. I too wanted us to win, but the fact remains that we didn't and that's ok. There were so many equally deserving people and I know it must have been hard to judge everyone. But in the end, it's all over & we are still there supporting eachother-that's what really matters. Everything else is simply meaningless. On to a new subject-I have been @ the day hospital for a week now and still my moods haven't stabalized. I am trying my hardest to pay attention at the counseling meetings and I am taking all of my meds. I am getting frustrated and even angrier. I am not sure who I am truly angry at. All I know is that I drove home one day last week and I was singing one second and crying the next so hard that I could barely see in front of me. The speed limit was 20MPH and I ended up to doing close to 75mph on a winding road. That is such a scary feeling-to be that depressed that you don't care if you hit a tree or something. Looking back, I should have cared, I could have hit someone. My food really hasn't changed that much but I haven't had the energy to work out to the extent that I usually do. It's hard for me to get out of bed sometimes let alone exercise. I am part of a walking group at the hospital. After we finish eating a small group of us get together and take a 15 minute walk around the campus. Usually we just walk & try and make each other feel better. I wanted to go to my T.O.P.S group meeting on Thursday but I was feeling so bad , I didn't want to be around anyone. Going to that group has always cheered me up in the past, now I am not sure what I really enjoy doing. It takes me forever to get out of bed and take a shower in the morning-it's so easy and yet so hard. And getting dressed is torture-EVERYTHING LOOKS LIKE SHIT ON ME. I just feel gross. I feel fat. I feel yukky. I want so bad to wake up and be out of this mess that I feel. I want to be me again but I am not sure who that person is anymore. Hopefully I will start to figure that out...
April 10 Lisa needs some ideas!!!! So yeah, I have to run the program in 2 weeks for T.O.P.S. (Taking off pounds sensibly, where we support and discuss all things weight loss!) I don't know what to talk about! I need to have enough knowledge, or have done enough research to wing it, to last about 20 - 30 minutes, with hand outs! So if any has ideas please feel free to share them. I am thinking about making fun of fad diets. I don't know. Geez. Geez. Geez. I thought I had more time! I just came from me T.O.P.S. meeting, where Lara was noticably absent, and I got weighed, and I just knew I gained weight. I knew it, come on I have ate out so much. Oh no not the case at all. I lost! Talk about super happy! Whew now that the stress is over, on to a new week. Lose lose lose lose thats my week chant! Keep being fabulous all!
Lisa April 08 Lisa's Blog- The crazy things I get myself intoSo the girls from work love my new hair cut. So much so that tonight we had a hair cutting party. Yeah none of us cut hair! How funny the little things in life make such an impact on others! I started the weight loss, other friends joined me! I cut my hair, they love it and cut theirs too! It kind of makes me giggle! Also, I go and see my trainer tonight. I freaked out earlier because I thought our appointment was for 630, but no thank goodness it was at 530. I was telling hom about my cake decorating classes! Wrong move right?! Well to state for him and everyone, I use a disgusting icing of 10x and tons of crisco, and a marble cutting board! No over eating is happening there! I promise. I can't keep that promise week 6 though. Thats when we bring in a real cake and real icing and go to town! I would like to take a moment to say, even though we are not on here everyday like before, I love that so many of us are still on here, visiting and commenting like the competition was never over. It never will be over for me. I have had a couple of weeks where I ate a couple bads things and have gained back a weeks worth of weight loss over it. This is a NEVERENDING battle for me. I need to stay on here, stay focused, even if I am the last (wo)man standing. I struggle with will power more than I thought was ever possible. It's such a big fight, I feel like fighting temptation should be a workout in itself!! Hope everyone is doing great, and thanks for staying in the community!!! Oh and here's the hair cut, took off over 10inches, yeah I cried, but it was worth it. I love the newer Lisa!!!
April 07 Lara's Blog: Kind Of Disappointed...I took a big step this past Saturday and asked everyone for help while explaining my current situation. That was really hard for me to do and I was kind of hoping for some supportive words. I got a comment from my cousin, from Lisa, and from one other person. I dont mean to sound ungrateful but I was really hoping for some reassuring words from the people that I normally take the time to respond to. I used to spend so long commenting on people's blogs, and cheering & supporting them through stuff. I am just upset that it didn't happen in my case. When I wrote about wearing a dress for the first time @ work I got 5-6 comments & a few emails. Don't get me wrong I don't write my blogs purely for comments, but this time I really needed to hear it. It made me feel even more depressed and alone. . . Lisa's Blog- Oh My God!I went to the gym today, early, because I didn't have to work til 11. I did my whole workout routine, and left with enough time to spare to surprise my Mom at work. She was shocked! I spent a few minutes with her then headed to work. It was Mag day, so I lifted heavy totes overflowing with magazines when it happened, I hurt my back. Not from the mags, but more likely from gym then heavy mag totes! So I am so worried. I have to workout tomorrow because I have a training session on wednesday! Geez why? Why today! Oh well. My plan is to put heat on the pain and stretch before I work out, if it hurts I will stop, if it's better than today, I will work my butt off! But as of right now, ouch! Ouch Ouch Ouch. (Did I ever mention that I am also a wimp, chances are this is nothing but to me it's like someone just ran over me with a large truck!) So I will now take my sore back to a warm bed and prey for a healthy back when I wake up. Hope everyone is fabulous and skinny! April 06 Lisa's Blog - at a stand still Today after work my boss, 4 co-workers and I went out. We had so much fun! Just a girls afternoon out. Who doesn't need that now and again right?! We went to the mall, got our nails done and then went out to Cold stone creamery and they all got big ol ice creams and I got a small sorbet! We went to Macy's too. They have some amazing purses!!!! (weakness
 ) So I plan to step up and change some work out and food stuff. I haven't lost any weight in 2 weeks. Staying within .8 of a pound. Changing up some stuff makes me hopeful for the next week. Last weekend at the TOPS convention I had a lot of fun. It is a great boost for my weight loss! (I hope!) Since I have hit this slump in loss, I hope to take all the inspiration I got and turn it into a big loss this week! Also this weekend was the first in quite a few weeks that I have put on my casual clothes. I learned that NONE OF MY JEANS FIT ANYMORE!!! I have so far to go in my weight loss that I have decided to buy dresses. They will better shrink with me. I can't stand when the pants fall constantly!!! I also don't want to go any buy new clothes every couple of weeks! So I hope the weekend treated you all well! Good luck this week!
 April 05 Lara's Blog: One step forward, Two gigantic steps back...I really need your help right now. This is hard for me to ask, because I am not a person that asks for help. This blog has nothing to do with my weight loss over the past few weeks. In fact, that is probably the ONLY thing good I have going for me right now. I have lost close to 10lbs this past month. Some of you have probably noticed that I haven't been online at all this week, but there is a good reason for that. This past Sunday evening I had a breakdown of sorts. I found myself in my bathroom in tears surrounded by a bottle of sleeping pills and trying my hardest to convince myself to walk away. In the end I only took a couple and walked away. I still couldn't get the thought out of my mind that whole night or the fear of knowing just how far I had almost gone. It sounds crazy but the only thing the kept me from swallowing that bottle of pills was my cat (who was rubbing up against me at the time) & the thought of how my husband would feel by waking up to my cold body. I sincerely hope that in the future those thoughts are enough to keep me away from any attempts. Needless to say I didn't get any sleep at all that night. I pretty much sat up and cried. I haven't cried that much in a long time. I usually have the feeling in the back of my eyes that I need to cry, it just won't come. I went to work as usual that Monday morning but I couldn't concentrate. Everything was setting me off. I felt like locking myself in the bathroom and crying. My friend Shannon took me out for lunch that day to calm me down & try and refocus for the rest of the day. She has been friends with me long enough to know when I am in a mood that I can't get out of. I told her everything that happened and she suggested that I talk to my boss and let him know what is going on with me. She told me that she has noticed my moods changing rapidly, and felt as I couldn't handle them anymore. Little did she know how right she truly was. I went back to work and talked to everyone there (and of course started crying-making me look even more like the office psycho) and they suggested that I leave @ go to GBMC a local hospital to be evaluated by a psychiatrist. My husband (miraclously home from work early) took me and waited with me for a few hours until he had to go home and get some sleep. I had lab tests done & then I was admitted for the night into the psych unit. My friend Chris came & spent the night with me & stayed up until I was released the following day. I don't think he understands how much it meant to me for staying with me that night. Being in that hopsital was scary. They took your clothes, made you eat only with a spoon, patted you down, and you couldn't even shut the door while going to the bathroom. The whole process depressed me even more. The day I was released I met with a psychatrist there who evaluated me & said that I was in a manic depressive state & need help. He recommended that I go to a local day hospital where I could receive treatment by a team of doctors. A few hours later I was enrolled and ready to start. The program lasts approx 15 days and runs Mon-Fri from 9-3pm. It is very structured and when I am not meeting with my psychiatrist, social worker, or nurse, I am attending group counseling meetings. They are going to put me on some medicine to stabalize my mood swings and then work on finding me a good depression & anxiety medicine. After the fifteen days are up they will reevaluate me to see if I can go back to work or if I need additional time in the program. Though I am grateful for the help they are giving me, I really hope I don't have to stay past the 15 days because I will need to get back to work. I just found out that I don't have any more vacation/sick time left after this coming Monday so I will be going these next 2 weeks without pay. That is hard right now because I need to get better so that I can function at work, and yet I also need to get back to work as soon as possible so that I can earn money to pay my bills. If I leave the program early, my insurance may not pay for my treatment so it's important that I stay and continue the treatment. This whole incident has just scared me & really made me think about everything. I have suffered from depression for years but have been able to manage it for the most part. Now my moods are so out of wack that I could be talking to you one minute and screaming/crying another minute. It was time to get the help, now I just have to give it time to work. My doctor did let me go to the T.O.P.S conference in OC on Friday as it was already paid for, and she thought it would be encouring & inspiring for me to be there. At times is was, and at times I just wanted to disappear. I tried to make myself happy and smiley for Lisa but by last night, I couldn't pretend any more. I was just emotionally drained. Today on the ride home we barely spoke the whole way back. I really couldn't because I was afraid of letting my tears go if I did. I think it was probably too soon for me to take a weekend trip. I couldn't focus or sit still the whole time. I just wanted to be at home in my bed. Well now that I blurted out the whole story of my life, I am going to get back downstairs and take a nap. I won't be blogging quite as often in the next few weeks but I will try and come on here every now and then to say hi to everyone. It's going to be hard for me to manage treatment, exercise, and still watching my food intake (last week screwed my exercise routine all up) but I am still going to try and make it with all of your support....... April 02 Lisa's Blog - Getting ready for the T.O.P.S. TripSo it's a little before 10 p.m. and here I am still not packed for a trip I am leaving on, tomorrow! As a matter of fact, my clothes are in the washer! Geez, I'm such a procrastinator. But I am excited and nervous for tomorrow. I am heading out alone, being joined by Lara later friday. I am nervous because I don't normally travel alone. I am excited because it's our first big T.O.P.S. adventure. I hope it's alot of fun, and I hope I have a safe trip! Wow I can't decide if I should sleep, or if I should pack. Since I've held out this long, I might as well wait til morning now to pack right! Oh and one of my outfits just happens to be a skirt that I bought a week ago, smaller than my "normal" size. I thought I'd be a few weeks getting into it, but no, I tried it on this morning and it fits, snug, but fits. It's a mini skirt! I haven't had a mini skirt since 9th grade! (Yeah, like 13 years!) Whoop Whoop! So the next time I write I will be back home from the glorious Ocean! Have a great weekend everyone!
 March 31 Lisa's Blog - Day with trainer!Well kudos to all of you who have been working with the trainers! I worked with mine one day and I am in horrible pain. Felt like I was going to cry all day yesterday. Hurt my thighs to stand up and hurt my butt to sit down! Wow. Haven't felt that much pain since the first time I took ultra press! So yeah, work and pain, thats been my last two days. At least I don't have to see him again til next wednesday! I have time to build up endurance for the next round of torture I'm sure he'll put me through! So again kudos to all you buff folks and the buff folks who do that to themselves with out the aid of a torture master! (Thanks though Jesse!) Well I'm off to take more motrin! March 29 Lara's Blog: I'm so frustrated...I am so frustrated right now but I am NOT going to eat over it. My husband, Tom, has been working non-stop for weeks now. We just got married this May & it seems like since then we spend even less time together then before. He gets up between 4-5:30am every morning & comes home whenever the work is done. Only it's never done. When he is home, I can't even have a 5 minute conversation w/ him without his phone ringing & him jumping up to answer it. We haven't had a meal yet, that hasn't gotten cold while he is on conference calls. We can't watch TV because he is always pausing it to go upstairs and handle a situation. Then once he is involved in something, he gets so stressed out that he is no good for the rest of the night. All he does from that point on is yell & scream and get all worked up over the newest business problem. He worked all week this week & then left @ 5am this morning "FOR A LITTLE WHILE," only he got home at 7:45pm. That gave us enough time to eat dinner & watch a few minutes of TV before he went to bed. I was ok earlier today because I knew that we could stay up later & sleep in tomorrow & have all day to hang out. Well that's not the case-evidently he has to work tomorrow too-and then we have another horrible work week to look forward too. I work 9-5 and he is gone by the time I get up in the morning, & practically in bed when I get home. I get home usually around 7-8pm as I work out after work. So as you can see, being a newlywed kind of sucks right now. I can't really discuss this with him because he ALWAYS has so much going on that I even fall on the backburner to him. I know I should be understanding but after a while I just want him to just shut off the damn phone & concentrate on me for a change. Is that too much to ask? I would love to go on a vacation for our one year anniversary so that we could get away & spend some time together but I don't know how to accomplish this. Who knows if he can get the time off work & even then he is just going to stress the whole time about what he is coming back too. I would love to take a cruise like we did for our wedding & honeymoon but it's just so expensive that I don't know if we could come up w/ the money. It was so wonderful sleeping in, and especially NOT USING THE CELLPHONE. Sorry for the venting-I just needed to let it all out. The week has been good for me. I won the 4 week loser award @ T.O.P.S. along with another girl & was finally able to take home the trophy for biggest loser of the week. I was actually the 2nd biggest loser as the girl that won the biggest loser will be out of town for a few weeks and couldn't take it. But that's ok-I still have it FINALLY. I lost 3 pounds this week. That's a little more than 10pounds this month. I am going to keep doing what I'm doing & hope it pays off some more. I am really enjoying the change to my work-out routine. Well I hope everyone is having a good weekend. If there are any fellow newlyweds out there that are going through what I am, please let me know how you are handling this.....
(NOTE from Lara added 3/30/08 6:00pm)
I just want everyone to know that he is noticing my weight loss-that has never been the problem. The problem is the complete lack of quality time that I get to spend w/him. Here it is 6pm and he is still not home yet. I haven''t spent more than 2 hours with him in the past 3 days. That's the upsetting part. Lisa, it's not about the trip-Hell he is working next weekend anyway. You know what I mean. I feel like I am stuck w/ him @ UPS all over again. I don't want all of you thinking that he isn't supporting my weight loss efforts. It's just so much more than that....
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