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May 08 Lisa's Blog- It was a good day....So today I woke up early to a phone call. We were supposed to go see a cat, try to adopt her. The phone call was from the lady we were going to meet. My immediate fear was that she decided to give the cat away to someone else. No she just called to say she would be running late! Whew! So We got her! She is beatiful, and honestly the first bright spot for me in a while. So she now lives under my bed! lol. Later today I got a phone call. It was to let me know my resume was being evaluated and to look for a call next week to set up an interview! It's not the job I want, but it's a job I know I can do, and I know I can make some money with. So I am glad! Not a bad day at all! May 05 Lisa's Blog- Baby stepsI had a complete breakdown with my boyfriend yesterday. It was needed, but not intended. It's started with a cute sentence...."I was talking to you while you were sleeping. I had things to say to you and thought that it was the best time to do it." Expecting a laugh or whatever. No he's all upset. "What did you say please tell me" he says to me over and over and over. So I said "I wish you knew how to love me" I say this because I have an eating disorder and depression. So next thing I know I am crying my eyes out and he runs to me and wraps his arms around me. I finally let it all out. Everything. All my concerns and issues he now knows. I felt naked. My walls were down. He knew everything inside my head. So we made plans, he even went on line looking at healthy lifestyles! He is working hard on finding out what he can about depression as well.
Other issue. We make ends meet, like most families in this economy. So now I have done our budgeted grocery shopping for the week. I bought cheap and crap. The boys don't like food that you prepare. They like to open wide and have food fall in. So the food I have been buying has slowly become sodium full quick fix meals. More and more my cart fills with this and less and less with foods I would lovingly create. I look around my kitchen and almost cry again. I bought healthy cereal. Am I eating this til next grocery trip? LOL I will double up my fluids, grab a bag of salad mix and do the best I can. We can not afford a whole new trip to the market! Bill says he will eat all healthy around me. I think our roommate will be fine with that too as long as it is made and ready just to reheat! Baby steps people! Baby steps until I can break free of convieniece food. May 03 Lisa's Blog- :-(No other words to describe it. Just :-( My boyfriend is so great. However (ya'll knew that was coming!) He sees something bad for me and without thinking wioll just say "babe we should order that" and then BAM here I sit too full and feeling fat because we ordered it =( Damn it. Oh he is also out trying to find the new dorito. Help me!!!! I am going to sit on the couch and watch tv all day while eating doritos now. Oh he is also getting movies. Movies and doritos. This is 2007 all over again. I need to change things. I just spent 10 minutes brushing flossing and mouthwashing. 1) trying to forget I just ate all that food 2) so I won't dive into the doritos before he gets the movie on. I hate this rain also. We should be outside playing with the pup. Where the hell is Lara!! She is supposed to read these and call me to kick my ass. Oh well. I am off to kick my own ass. Somehow........... May 02 Lisa's Blog- Back to SalisburySo I just went back home for a week. I had an amazing week. I got to spend lots of time with my good friends! Good friends such as Lara!  We had fun. We did our usual stuff, shopping, laughing, pedicures. If any of you have followed our blogs in the past you know Lara is a great person! She works hard, putting too much pressure on herself sometimes. But mainly Lara is one of those people who has friends, but only 1 or 2 are close with her. Well it was 2. She and her friend had a falling out I guess you would say. I just know where this "friend" is concerned there is strain. Anywho.......we are at the salon and this "friend" walks by her and doesn't even say hi, smile, wave, nothing. Lara is understandably hurt. So I decide to say hello when she walks back through. She did stop a minute and chat. Polite chat. Then says a quick Hi to Lara and leaves. So my question is....Was that an olive branch? Or just being polite? If it was an olive branch she would have called Lara by now or even sent an e mail right? Should Lara just forget her exisitence and move on, writing this girl off forever? I don't know. All I know is Lara will be getting quite a workout move to the 3rd floor condo soon! SAVE YOUR STRENGTH NOW! LOL I need to go clean and workout a bit my self! April 19 Lisa's Blog- Official day oneSO here we go. It's day one all over again. I am back to researching and looking up recipes and I worked out yesterday as well as prepping to workout again today. I have a belly filled with healthy food, and am set. I started using this calorie counting website, complete with a texting calorie counter and a toolbar that will help you keep track of your calorie intake and a bright little reminder of your weight loss or gain. I also get graded on my food. Yesterday I had a c-. Today I have an A. Yesterday is over. Everyday I must realize that yesterday is over. Today is here. During my (re)lifestyle change I also must learn that I am here for me. Somedays that is all I will have. Today, day one, all I have is me. I know everyone wants whats best for me, but I am crazy in my head, and think they don't know how to support me. If you tell me no you are being controlling, I will not be controlled! If you tell me yes, then you don't love me. If you loved me you'd say no. Oh my. Lara help me get thru this!! I will get thru this. I know it! Well I'm off to raise my heartrate! April 18 Lisa's BlogHere I am...three hours away from everything that helped me lose the weight I lost. I have nothing her to comfort me, except food. I have gained a lot of weight back. I needed an intervention. So I called Lara. She rushed dwn here to help me. I am not back on track entirely, but it is with in reach. I looked at my finances, and my lifestyle. I have quit some things that made me very happy in the past. Shopping and eating out. With out touching my savings I am able to stay at home for a while, financially Bill is able to pay our bills. This is important for a fewq reasons. Moving here, hours from family and bulk of my friends was harder emotionally that I ever realized. I can start at the YMCA gym and get back to working out. Maybe meet some local motivators. I miss Laras so much. Even times when things were hard between us, we both knew how to stay on track. For a while I may have forgotten where the track was, I was so off course. Today I am going to get back to researching. Healthy recipes, exercises, and goals. I am going home next week for a visit and I want to be armed with some things to help Lara as well. Things we can do together, so far away. Wish us luck. Weight loss here we come!!!!! January 06 Lara's Blog: Watching Biggest Loser & CRYING!I wanted things to change in 2009 but not for the worst. Last year at this time, Lisa and I signed up for the Biggest Loser Matchup and we worked out together every day. We cooked together, shopped together, lost weight together, even watched TV together. Now, she is leaving. Next Thursday is her packing party and we have 1 more week together before she moves 3 hours away. She is my best friend and I am scared to be here without her. We motivate eachother. Now, I don't have that slap in the butt that I need to make it through this journey. It's not the same by text message. I want to be postive for her but I can't help being upset. I recently lost another one of my friends and I am still not sure why. I never got an explanation other than that she needed a break from me. We seemed to be fine one minute and then poof she was gone. I tried text messaging her over Thanksgiving & even sent a card for Xmas but nothing helped to cheer me up. Actually it made it worse. I kept running to the mailbox hoping to see a Xmas card-and getting disappointed when it was empty. Maybe it was my bipolar, I don't know. I just don't think that I really deserve this. My own family doesn't like me and now my friends don't either. I feel so alone. Now if I want to go shopping or get a pedicure I don't have anyone to go with. I am going to continue my weight loss but I just wish that things could be easier. I wish that I had someone to share it with... September 26 Blah...Nothing happening today. Weather is gross, work is slow, no plans for the weekend. It's just an otherwise blah kind of day. I have a paper due this Wed so I guess, I should at least attempt to start it this weekend. Those of you that know me, know that is probably NOT going to happen. But one can dream, lol. So lately, I have been feeling rather detached from people in my life. Every day that goes by, I realize that I am a stranger to many people. Christ, even my own family doesn't know me. I mean really "know" me. They know the old me, the younger, immature teenage me. But they don't know me. I don't think that they will ever really want to know me either. That's a hard realization, and one that I really don't think that I deserve. At least I have Tom, Chloe, my friends, and of course his family....but is that really enough? August 18 Lara's Blog: I Need To Find My Way Back....I can't remember how long it has been since the last time I have blogged. What I do remember is how motivated I was both with my food and my work-outs. I came on this site every single day and wrote about my life, my struggles, and my future plans. I went through points in this journey where I stopped blogging for a few days & became side-tracked but I always seemed to find my way back. Usually it was a kind comment from one of you or simple curiosity that brought me back. I feel like I am part of a large family and I honestly don't know what to do with myself when I am not here with you guys. It's like I am a lost little puppy...
Before I was in the hopsital my weight loss seemed to be going well. I worked out almost every day, I was in the 220's finally, I was eating well, I went to TOPS. Then, everything changed. I lost my motivation. The meds that they put me on made me really hungry and I gained weight. The first week that I was on the meds I gained 10 pounds. Talk about even more depressing. I have since switched meds & have been able to lose some of the weight that I had gained but the past couple months I have been stuck in the 230's. Every day I get on the scale and it flashes the same number at me. Even down to the tenth of a pound. I can't seem to get away from it.
What's worse is that I haven't been motivated to exercise or even eat like I did before. Most days, I am lucky if I eat 1 meal. It's always been either/or with me. I either binge eat or I can go forever without eating a meal. Food is such torment for me. You have to eat it and yet most of the time it's no longer enjoyable. I scarf it down so fast that I'm not even aware of what I am eating. It's a drug, I just want more more more... I guess sometimes that's why I skip some meals. I hate that green monster inside of me that is always craving more. I want to eat like a normal person. I want to go through the day without thinking of when my next meal is and what it is going to be. I wish that there was a magic answer to all of this. That I could pop a pill and no longer crave food and all that it means.
I heard a line from a movie this weekend that really made me think. It said "the darkest time is right before the dawn." There is always a dawn, so I just need to find out when& where my dawn is. I guess this means, that I WILL get out of the 230's soon & find my motivation to be a "loser" again. It can only get better, right? I hope so.... July 31 Lisa's Blog- it's been foreverSince I have blogged! Things are always hard right? Things have been so hard for me lately. I lost my dog and my brothers family moved in with me. So I have been hectic and emotional. Then I found out that my parents and both my brothers are moving to another state. I had to think lang and hard about my future. Where do I want to go? Do I want to go anywhere? Am I happy here? Will I be happy alone here? So in the end I have decided to stay here and fend for myself. Alone in the big city! I have thrown myself back into the gym (mainly to stay away from home more!) Now I need to work on getting my eating back on track! On the plus side............ Lara and I are beach bound for the weekend! 1.5 glorious sun filled days! Thank god! We need a break and a reconnection. With everything going on I haven't lost touch with Lara. We have still texted and got together for dinner, but I really miss the everyday chatting we did. So the past couple weeks have been all about getting back on track. This is one more thing to get back to normal! July 07 Lara's Blog: I am SO sick and tired of this mess....Why does life have to suck so much sometimes? Its always one thing after another-when I haven't even gotten through the first challenge and poof another one to tackle. My husband hasn't gotten paid in 6 weeks now. I have been paying all the household bills in the meantime with nothing left to show for myself. My student loans are due now so that's an extra $150.00/month that I need to now come up with as well. I drive about 50 miles a day 5 days a week for work and that bill just keeps rising. I haven't yet reached my health insurance deducatable so I am getting medical bills almost every day to pay, and not $20.00 copays either. Since I no-longer have my health insurance through my old job (which was 100% paid for) I also have to budget money for that each month. Now, I find out from my husband that we are taking over the $2,000+ mortgage payment that is in his Dad's name for our house (we rent it). I am only used to paying $650.00 a month for my portion. My husband has known about this for a month and just now decided to drop this on me in time for our July rent. What the hell? How can I even afford to live let alone pay for the fertility clinic? And then I have this giant ass mortgage payment hanging over MY head if he doesn't start getting paid regularly again. How am I supposed to come up with that kind of money by myself when he doesn't get paid again? It's hard enough paying the household bills and everything on just one salary. And then to top it off, I ask him to leave my office as I was just not in the frame of mind to deal with this right now, and he comes back w/ a smoothie king receipt for me from my card that he just swiped. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I CAN"T TAKE THIS SHIT ANYMORE. I can never get ahead at all. It's just up and down all the time. This roller-coaster ride never seems to stop long enough for me to catch my breath. Now the one thing that I have been looking forward too (the fertility clinic appointment) I may have to cancel as I may not be able to afford it if I don't get any insurance coverage. It's just not fair...................................................... July 01 Lara's Blog: I am finally back in the groove...I feel like alot of stuff in my life is starting to finally come together. I re-joined my old gym and have been enjoying my water aerobic classes again. There is nothing like going to the pool after work and being able to get a work-out and tan at the same time. The instructors give you a wonderfully hard work-out that you def. feel when you leave. I am getting back in my routine of working out every day and it feels good. I just wish that it would give me some more energy. Usually my meds make me very sluggish throughout much of the day. Speaking of meds I think I am going to speak to my doctor about changing them-I am just having to many side effects from them. One of them is weight gain. When I first started the meds I gained 10lbs my first week. Now I am still trying to get the last couple pounds off so that I can be back where I was before. It's a long, slow, hard process. I used to be able to lose 2-3lbs a week and now I am lucky to loose a pound. I have made the decision that I won't go back to TOPS until I am back to the weight I was when I last went. I never had a gain the whole time I was there and I don't want to start now. On to the important news: 1). Lisa and I met for dinner last night FINALLY. It had only been like 4 months since we had seen each other. It was nice to reconnect as it had been so long. Hopefully we can do it again soon. She looks good (at least one of us is losing some weight) and I am truly happy for her current happiness (she deserves it). 2) I actually was able to concentrate long enough the past couple nights to read some of a book. It is still hard but I accomplished something. It has been close to a year since I have been able to read ANYTHING 3) Tom and I decided to go to a fertility clinic to discuss our options to get me preggo. With my problem (see prior blogs) it will be really hard to get preggo naturally. So now it's time to try something new. I finally got an appointment and I go next week. Cross your fingers for me-I want it sooooooo bad. Well that's it for me. Not much going on in my boring life at this point. Just wanted to check in w/ you guys and see how you are all doing in this wonderful journey to health...... June 27 Lara's Blog: It wasn't as bad as I thought...Well despite all the crap that I ate on Sunday (see prior blog) I still lost weight @ my meeting last night. It was only .6 but hey it's something, right? So many people gained for whatever reason and I was really expecting to be one of them. I guess the couple work-outs that I had done over the week helped out with that. I went to my old gym this past Sunday and Monday and I was disappointed to see that Zumba is gone-the instructor is on maternity leave. They do have a Wed class but I can't make it as it is at 5:30pm. That was really the only thing about the gym that I really really liked. I can do cardio anywhere. But I am still paying on my membership so I have to try and go at least on Sundays when I don't have any classes anywhere else. I still take belly dance/exotic dance classes a couple days a week and I still love them. They give you such a workout and it's so much fun and sexy (way more fun that staying on a cardio machine). I think my problem is that I get bored easily. I change gyms usually every year-I just need the variety. I am also planning on taking some more water classes at another local gym-I can get a tan and a work-out at the same time. My Dr appointment yesterday was ok. She said that I had to go to a nerve dr to see if I have any nerve damage that is causing my left leg to go numb. She said that my reflexes in that leg were slow. Perhaps it is do to my medicine, who knows. I already have enough side effects to deal with i.e. weight gain, sluggishness etc. So now it's off for more tests. It never ends. One thing after another. Thank God that I finally got my insurance back. Anyway today is a good day so far. Happy TGIF! I need to catch up on some sleep, and CLEANING (yes Tom, I said it) this weekend. Hope all of you have a wonderful weekend.  June 26 Lisa's turn! Crazy times So going to the gym has become difficult for me as well. I just want to do my thing and leave. Maybe say hi to 1 or 2 people I like! I go less and less and work out at home more and more. My food is good and I am still losing, so no complaints here. I am still with the awesome guy I started seeing a few weeks back. It gets better and better each time I see him. I work a lot still, but have learned to say no! Lara and I have finally been able to speak more often, but getting together is proving to be a challenge. Soon though. I have to make this short because I plan to catch up on some extra sleep tonight. Much needed! Lara's Blog: I'm running on empty...I have barely slept at all this whole week. It all started this past Sunday night when I went to the ZZtop concert. I had such a great time though I did make some bad decisions. It was my cheat day so enough said lol. Well actually I will mention it just to get it off my chest. I had chicken tenders, and fries (which luckily my best friend ate half of), then I had 1/2 a funnel cake AND cotton candy. I know-I did bad. The worst part is that the guys in front of us (who were smashed) turned around and gave us all their beverage tickets (of which I had several). Luckily I think I worked off all the crap I ate when I got tipsy and started dancing with the drunk guys in front of us. Now this is embarrasing-I had to stand through most of the concert because when I went to sit down on the lawnchair that my friend had brought-it BROKE. My fat ass broke the chair. Chris said that I got the weaker chair and it could have happened for him. But PLEASE-I'm the one who is FAT!!!!!!!!!!!! If only I could have kept my mouth shut! The only good thing about standing is that I remember how fun it was to actually be social. Get a little alcohol in me and I do just fine in public lol. Anyway when I went home that night around 11:30pm I couldn't sleep for the life of me. I didn't take my night-time meds because of the drinks I had but I wish I did. I ended up staying up all night. Well now it's Thursday and I have barely slept at all this week. I even fell asleep a few times driving to work this week. That was scary so I am going to my dr today to get some sleep meds and talk to her about everything-hopefully that will help. Besides the sleep problem, this week has been ok. I went back to MY old gym 2 times in the past week but somehow it just isn't the same. Not sure what happened but I am getting more and more uncomfortable there. Good thing I work out at several gyms. I went to my support group which always helps. I even saw some friends last Saturday that I haven't seen in a while. It was fun but there was one thing that bothered me. They told me that one of our mutual aquaitance's (someone that I hadn't seen in a really long time) had come over prior and told them about almost all of my blogs (that they hadn't yet read). Alot of my blogs are personal and I was upset that someone could mouth all of my experiences in gossip when I didn't give them permission to. This blog may be online but it is still MY business. How rude and hurtful people can be. I think that people sometimes forget that people have feelings. I am still trying to accept the bipolar diagnosis and it's hard enough without people talking about me like I am crazy. Luckily my friends just ignored her. Thank God someone has common-sense about my problems. Well that's it for now. I will check in with all of you later. Hope you are all doing well especially you Lisa (long time no see).  June 20 Lara's Blog: It happened AGAIN! (FAT email #2)Well last night Tom said that he got another email from the guy that had originally called me FAT. Even though Tom deleted his website the guy set up another website and re-emailed Tom under a new name. This email is supposedly much worse then the old one so much so that Tom wouldn't even tell me what it said. He said it was just make me feel bad myself (as if I don't already). I just want to know why this guy insists on targeting me of all people. There are many people out there that are big like me-so why did he pick me? I am trying to brush it off-trying to not let his opinion mask my own-but that's not an easy thing to do when you have 0 self esteem. Things like this just make it even worse. On a positive note, I went back to WW again last night. Hopefully, that will give me the confidence that I was starting to have all over again. I want to be able to look in the mirror and honestly love myself and say "Lara, you look good today." I want to be able to get dressed in the morning without trying on 10 outfits and throwing them all on the floor in disgust. I want to be able to be romantic with Tom without feeling like he finds me unattractive. How do I do this? How do I just not give a shit? June 19 Lara's Blog: Just another day...Well it's coming down to the end of the week and this week has been very productive for me. I took 3 group exercise classes this week (body jam, body pump, and an exotic chair/floor dance class). I am sore but in a good way. I am glad that I actually got off the couch this week and worked out. Of course I got on the scale yesterday and haven't lost a pound this week. Nevertheless I am proud of myself and my attempts. I am slowly coming back around and refocusing. I must say that losing weight was much easier when I took prescription diet pills-now with my bipolar meds I can't take diet or cafeine pills at all. Evidently they will give me a false sense of mania that could make me relapse. For now I am doing ok. Somedays I forget to take my meds despite my efforts to put my pillbox next to my toothbrush. My memory is getting worse by the day. I forget what I did 5 seconds earlier-who I talked to, what I did. I even forget how to spell the most basic words. But I suppose being forgetful is better than being so depressed that you are suicidal. I have a support group meeting to go to tonite so that should cheer me up. I can really relate to everyone there so it usually refreshes me. Tom (my husband) told me last night that he doesn't think watching shows like "I lost it" and other weight related shows are good for me. He thinks that I tend to associate myself with all the other "grossly fat" women and I shouldn't. He just doesn't understand what it is like to be fat and to see yourself the way other people see you. It is motivating to me because I can relate to people treating you like crap because your fat. I watch the shows because I want to be the AFTER someday. I will be an AFTER if I put my mind and body into it. Until then it's just another day....
P.S. Sorry if I ramble in my blogs, my concentration is shot as well-I tend to change topics rather rapidly. June 13 Lara's Blog: Just saying Thanks!I want to thank everyone that sent me some encouragement yesterday-I really needed it. Last night I was feeling pretty bad about the fat girl comment, but part of that went away when I went shopping w/ my friend Shannon and I fit into a shirt (a 14/16!!!!!!!!!!!!) that I didn't even want to try on as I usually wear an 18/20. I was all prepared to be disappointed-well it fit me perfectly. A 14/16 is an average size for a girl in America so it made me feel a little better that I wasn't hugely abnormal in my weight. I still don't feel good in my skin-but I am at least accepting the reality of my weight. My husband always tells me that I am not fat like I see myself. I just wish that for once I could see myself the way he sees me and through my fat goggles. Perhaps time will help that. I hope all of you have a wonderful weekend.... June 12 Lara's Blog: People can be so MEAN!!!!!!!!!!!Last night something happened that was really upsetting to me. Someone had emailed my husband through his myspace page and left him a comment about me. It said "how hard is it to date a fat girl?" What the hell? How can someone possibly be that mean. My husband blocked him of course but not before sending him an email sticking up for me. Though it was nice that he did that, it was still upsetting. It is just a giant blow to your self-esteem when someone can so bluntly say that to you. I was finally getting a little self-esteem and feeling ok in my own skin and now this.... I am trying to laugh it off, and not think about it-but it still hurts that people view me in that way. It makes me feel that despite all my progress- I am still and will probably always be FAT. I know that I am doing things right-but somehow that's not any consolation. They might have well have said that I have a nice face or personality or something-anything that was less hurtful then be called fat. I just can't understand why someone would ask that right out of the blue to someone that they don't even know. It just makes the way that I think about myself even more distorted. This is not the only thing that has been bothering me lately. I feel like I am so displaced from my friends. Many of them I just can't seem to touch base with let alone make plans to see each other. It just makes me feel like I have lost most of the friends that I thought I had. I just want my old life back-the way it used to be BEFORE the hospital & before my diagnosis. I want to be included again & feel like I mean something to someone. Right now, I just feel like I am floating in my own little world cut off from everyone that I used to see. How do I change things?????????? I have no clue......... June 03 Lisa's Blog- weightSo I get on the scale toda expecting a gain, I haven't been to the gym in a week. No no it looks like all the new things I have been doing are really paying off! For the month of May I am down 10 pounds! I was so shocked to see that. I called my mom so I could scream it in her ear! So new things work too! I am headed back to the gym tomorrow. I have to work out on real machines there! I don't have weights yet so I will be needing a great weight workout! |
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